Well, its been awhile.

I lasted 8weeks as a deli assistant....people are pigs.
I am now working as a hotel receptionist which is marginally better but the hours are pretty awful.

The holiday in Finland was a disaster.
I dumped Mihkel.
We were going pretty fast to a whole lot of nowhere.

Theres something comforting about being in a relationship though, its scary to be single again, but I know im better off.

I got a wee car and ive been road tripping about the country on my days off.
Truth be told, its working out a little more expensive than I anticipated...apparantly things break in cars and parts cost money!

Im absolutely loving the days getting longer, the heavy winter weight is lifted and everybody seems a lot happier.

My feet are itchy to go travelling again this summer but I know that I cant afford it, hopefully ill get down to the house in connemara for a wee while when the weathere

gotta run

xxx

06/01/08 00:10

I have work in the morning. Its the beginning of my fifth month working in Bose. In 8 hours ill be tied to the line once again, doing the same step over and over and over until a bell rings to release me for my morning break. Then ill sit and stare into space and try to block out the whiney, gossipy coworkers until a bell rings once again to send me back to my hell. This happens twice more in the day until the final bell rings and I can clock out only to return the next day for another large helping of misery.
My hands hurt. I push around 1000 cables a day into the back of speakers. I wake in the morning and my hands are stiff from the previous day. The first few hours of work are agony until they loosen up again. They are working hands, covered in tiny cuts from the PCB boards and rough patches of hardened skin.
I dont mind standing all day, after the first few weeks my back and feet stopped aching, and i figured out ways of hopping and stretching to make things easier.
I can deal with the physical stuff. I can cope with that, it sort of reminds me that im alive. Sometimes I push myself harder and work faster to prove that I can, to remind me that im alive and doing this job for a reason. Hurting like that is a valuable lesson, I know that I have to get a degree. Im paying for fucking everything up last year. I deserve this.

Its the psychological stuff though. My job drives me insane, as the months roll on it gets harder and harder to deal with. I am a machine, my body does my step, my brain is not needed. My thoughts are a million miles away. That much time to think can drive a person crazy. Memories and Flashbacks appear out of nowhere in my mind. I get drunken night flashbacks, funny stuff, embarassing stuff. Sometimes a word on the radio can trigger memories of random conversations. I dwell on happy memories, sometimes I laugh out loud when I remember something funny that happened last year, the people I work with think im crazy, chuckling away to myself. I also dwell on the sad ones, putting myself back into past situations, wishing I had done things differently, wishing that I had been stronger, more mature, more responsible. But I couldnt save them, I couldnt even save myself. We each went our own ways, we all have our own paths. Bad things happen, and sometimes we forget that more often then not the good outweighs the bad.

Sometimes I remember really wierd things, things that I never imagined that I would remember if that makes any sense at all. For example, I was once walking through the train station in Florence and I noticed a girl, sitting on her suitcase with her head in her hands, sobbing her heart out. The day I that remembered that was spent trying to figure out why she was crying, wondering if my life would have been different had I not seen her, wondering if I was meant to see her, if it somehow was all part of "the bigger picture". Its this kind of alone time with my mind that drives me bananas.

I have no escape anymore. I dont do any drugs anymore. Ive given up smoking. I barely drink, I cant drink anymore, my body wont let me. The only thing that gets me through every day is the thought that there is something better, somewhere out there for me.
Im better than every drug that passed my lips, im better than this factory job, im better than this one street town that I love and hate at the same time.

Im so tired.
I have to face another week.
I have rent, and uni fees, and debts.
I cant be stuck here another year.



I went to see I Am Legend today, and it wasnt a total waste of 2hours at all.

I have to sleep...did I mention that I hate my job?

xx

Music: Chillis-This Velvet Glove
Mood: Tired



09/01/08 23:19

Mihkel got home today. FINALLY! He only missed two flights before todays!:) I didnt realise that I missed him until I saw him again if that makes any sense. I guess ive been trying to convince myself that we are doomed from the start because according to my logic, all men are bastards and women are only trouble. Hes a man, and im a woman so clearly it will never work. But then again, many people have proved this logic wrong so theres a tiny chance that it might work I guess! I suppose im just a little apprehensive about getting into anything remotely serious in case I get hurt or I hurt him, and even if its working out fine, what happens when I move back to Limerick?? I will have to work weekends down there to keep a roof over my head, so distance is going to be a factor.

I suppose I should just stop worrying and let things develop. Hes very supportive about Uni anyway, at least I know that he wants whats best for me at the end of the day.


I had a job interview today after work. It went really well. So after I finish in the factory I think I can look forward to...wait for it...being the best darn deli counter assistant person thing any supermarket has ever seen! My career really just keeps getting better! Soon ill be at the top of the ladder ey!

Well, hopefully itl be a little more interesting than what im doing right now...

Ha, NIGHT!
xx

Music: Regina Spektor - Apres Moi
Mood: Dreamy

So im back on livejournal!

So im just gonna use this to keep my peeps updated on whats happenin with me....bebo and facebook is all very well but pretty darn public all the same. Itd be nice if closer friends started using this because I feel like ive lost touch with everyone, so im gonna text this addy to a few ppl and ye can set up an account and add me or summit n wel see how it all works out:)

Theres nothin like a good livejournal vomit!
For those of ye that are new to this its really simple to use and you can make your entries friends only, public or visible only to your good self.

So i hope this takes off, luv ye xx

(for all of you with broadband you have NO excuse....im sittin here on dial up like!!)